A word if you please, from "OUR DIVINE LEADER, WHO ART IN WASHINGTON, DC..."
White House Announces New Executive Order Creating “Office of Divine Liaison”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move administration officials describe as “bold, historic, and spiritually necessary,” President Donald Trump has signed an executive order formally appointing himself as Earth’s sole liaison between humanity and God.
The order, titled The Divine Communications Streamlining and Efficiency Act, establishes a new federal body known as the Office of Divine Liaison (ODL), to be housed within the Executive Office of the President. According to the text released late Thursday evening, the office is tasked with “centralizing and optimizing all prayer-based messaging, divine petitions, and spiritual requests to ensure alignment with national priorities.”
Under the new directive, all formal prayers, invocations, and appeals to The Almighty are to be routed through the ODL’s digital submission portal, which will launch next week. Citizens will be encouraged to categorize their requests under pre-approved headings such as “Economic Blessings,” “Weather Adjustments,” and “Personal Favorability.”
Administration spokespeople insist the policy is designed to reduce what they called “redundant prayer traffic.”
“For too long, Americans have been communicating with Heaven in an uncoordinated way,” one senior aide said. “This executive order brings accountability and leadership to the process.”
The document further states that the President, acting in his official capacity as Divine Liaison, will “review, prioritize, amend, or decline” all spiritual communications before relaying them upward. Appeals deemed “insufficiently patriotic” may be returned for revision.
Religious leaders across denominations expressed cautious curiosity. Some praised the President’s confidence, while others raised theological concerns about the feasibility of routing billions of daily prayers through a single office staffed primarily by former campaign advisers and two interns with background in social media analytics.
In perhaps the most controversial provision, the order calls for “modernization” of traditional religious texts to reflect what it describes as “current leadership realities.” A draft addendum proposes revisions to The Lord’s Prayer to “acknowledge the Executive Branch’s unique role in divine-human relations.
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An early working version reportedly begins:
“Our Leader, who art in Washington…”
White House officials have not confirmed whether these updates would be mandatory for houses of worship, though they emphasized that “participation would be strongly encouraged for those seeking expedited blessings.”
When asked how the President would balance his earthly duties with celestial correspondence, aides pointed to what they described as his “unmatched multitasking abilities” and a newly installed “gold-accented meditation chamber” adjacent to the Situation Room.
Markets showed mild volatility following the announcement, with shares in several candle manufacturers rising sharply.
At press time, the Office of Divine Liaison was reportedly accepting beta-test submissions, though officials clarified that thunder, lightning, and other natural phenomena would “remain outside the scope of federal staffing limitations.”
The executive order is expected to face legal challenges, as constitutional scholars debate whether omniscience qualifies as a federal job classification.
The White House has assured the public that further clarification will be provided after the President completes his first performance review with Himself.