THE THERAPY KIT

               Miz Nuggit doin' the Funky Chicken

My good pal Vikki has recently become a fitness devotée and is taking "Funky Chicken" dancercise classes from the "Grand Mistress dance champeen, Miz Chicki Nuggit".  Vik says what makes this exercise so unique is you drink a bottle of beer while 'funking' out and not spill a drop.  Now she has my attention, I know I can do the bottle of beer part on the road to fitness.  I'm in!

Too frequently in today's world, an aspiring vampyre's time is sucked up by the need to 'go for the throat' instead of spending time on succinct status reporting and PowerPoint presentations allowing a stealthy vampyre to hide in plain sight. Unfortunately, vampyre's bore easily and multitasking is out of the question. They have one sole all-consuming purpose at the forefront of their attention at all times. (Sucking every last drop of blood from your throat.) The vampyre can cut out unnecessary drivel to get to the heart of matter, so-to-speak.

Help for Sensitive Rectal Disorders:  help available through social training and understanding and caring for your rectum.

                         The Dingleberry Ball

Dingleberries are a source of embarrassment and no one lays claim to them or ever professes to having suffered from a few falling off the old “pubes” when wiping “the great divide”.   It’s unsettling to say the least, when one sticks or hangs up and has to be gently nudged free only to plop below with a little splash.  Butt (live with it) worse is when an accumulation of them survive the swirl of rapidly flushing water and manage to climb out and throw a little soireé in a corner of the bathroom then inevitably be discovered by a visiting guest.  No sense denying your guilt. Own it, then scoop them up and stand there while they swirl out of sight into the great void below. 
Moral to the story: buy a better grade of toilet tissue and wash your ass more frequently.

Stripper in Clearwater, FLA showing the judge that her bikini briefs were too large to expose her vagina to the undercover cops that arrested her. The case was dismissed. 

Guess you could say, "the proof was all in the puddin'."

This is just too obvious to make a wisecrack.  Pass.

Hope his parents used this opportunity to point out to him that violence begets violence and sometimes victims will fight back  resulting in knocking your little ass off in the bargain.

                               THE CAVE
They lay their exhausted, only a few of them remained. Their numbers almost decimated and with little movement to indicate how many were still alive.  They had once been in the millions, now only a scant few survived the vicious attack of the deadly foam and the horrible bristled tusk that scoured, probed, and sent spiked feelers stabbing into, under and around every crevice and large mountain formation of their warm, dark cave. The survivors had begun to crawl from the few hiding places left untouched by the probing feelers, enabling them to survive the massacre.  Still stunned and reeling from the vicious surprise attack that left only a few of them barely alive, they began to crawl from their places of refuge, weak and shaken from the ambush, trying to reassemble what little life was left.  Then, a sudden and disastrous flood filled the cave without warning, the opening closed completely as the horrible, disinfectant chemical flood was trapped inside the cave, the churning and swirling tsunami creating instantaneous death.  This time, there were no survivors.

Ron glanced into the mirror and smiled, yes sir, the new Dentist sure knew his stuff.  The new foaming toothpaste and that new antibacterial mouthwash was great, but the piece de resistance was the brand new electric sonic toothbrush with it's rotating head and probing bristles that cleaned his teeth like nothing he had ever used. 
              

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird laid there in the pile of cow dung, he realized how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him…

Morals of the story:
(1) not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

The assassination

1) Scrub an avocado pit clean.
2) Scrape/peel off the brown skin.
3) Carve a cute face and wait ten minutes.
4) Never sleep again.

I can cut the cheese better than any farm or zoo animal in existence.  I've watched the mules, the cows, and the horses take off running when I approach them.  Even the pigs squeal and try to hide.  The goats are far less prejudice and much more tolerant than their farm equals.  Chickens don't give a shit since they can't smell though the explosive tail winds make them hop and flap a little.  Upon discussing the socially embarrassing problem with my doctor he recommended making an appointment with the clinic my cousin Shelly works for since she is an R.N. specializing in colonic tail-tunneling for  secure and extensive gas-pocket removal.  Problem is I suffer severe anal winking and grinning.  It comes off as either a round throb (a wink) or an oblong squeek (an elongated grin), it's embarrassing to have someone witness the fact I was born with a precocious little pucker patoot that hurls smoke bombs while making explosive noises with no regard for the delicate sensibilities of others let alone the assault on olfactory glands.  No, it would be better to go out of the country for this procedure with anonymity being of the utmost importance.

An enema under the influence of Ecstasy would probably feel much like this looks.

I was diagnosed awhile back as suffering 'anal retentive' disorder.  I have resumed therapy.  Post hypnotic suggestion is what my therapist thinks happened to me.  Can't imagine why she would think that.