I can cut the cheese better than any farm or zoo animal in existence.  I've watched the mules, the cows, and the horses take off running when I approach them.  Even the pigs squeal and try to hide.  The goats are far less prejudice and much more tolerant than their farm equals.  Chickens don't give a shit since they can't smell though the explosive tail winds make them hop and flap a little.  Upon discussing the socially embarrassing problem with my doctor he recommended making an appointment with the clinic my cousin Shelly works for since she is an R.N. specializing in colonic tail-tunneling for  secure and extensive gas-pocket removal.  Problem is I suffer severe anal winking and grinning.  It comes off as either a round throb (a wink) or an oblong squeek (an elongated grin), it's embarrassing to have someone witness the fact I was born with a precocious little pucker patoot that hurls smoke bombs while making explosive noises with no regard for the delicate sensibilities of others let alone the assault on olfactory glands.  No, it would be better to go out of the country for this procedure with anonymity being of the utmost importance.