“Tonight’s December thirty-first,
Something is about to burst.
The clock is crouching, dark and small,
Like a time bomb in the hall.
Hark, it’s midnight, children dear.
Duck! Here comes another year!”
—     Ogden Nash, Collected verse from 1929

For having offended me, Zoltar the Great, I curse you with terminal flatulence.  May your anus blast you at Mach speed III to the Galaxy of the hirsute Sasquatch infested Apennines and may you arrive as the only female on the planet.  Piece to all inhabitants of Apennines. (My curse is not without a miniscule of mercy, a case of giant economy size tubs of Vaseline will accompany you for aid and relief.)

My mother used to say, Peila, if S-E-X ever rears it's ugly head, close your eyes before you see the rest of it!  Too late.

This will ultimately result in nipple discharge followed by testicular inflammation, experienced by two minutes of gooey near-satisfaction while wrapped in clingfilm and experiencing damp emissions and ammoniac smells with each stroke of the lash. 

It matters not if the earth moved, making the sparks fly translates into the divine.

Longest Nerve In The Human Body

Longest Nerve In the Body…Always learning new stuff…

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don’t believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

This is my favorite killing spell. I've killed nearly every offensive dimwit that has ever offended me and I cannot be prosecuted as there is no DNA involved nor is it a hands on, up close or personal kind of elimination of the offender.

The only weapon needed is one turkey egg.

Take the turkey egg and bury it in a wicked person's grave (they usually have the biggest, gawdiest, most elaborate tombstones).  Leave it to sit there for five days.

After the time has completed, take out the egg and carry it to the house of the intended target.  Throw the egg over the top of the house.  In five days time the person should be dead.
  
If this should fail, get another turkey egg, bury it and repeat the process.  Do not throw over the offenders house, hit'em directly between the eyes. That should do it.  

Urinal Etiquette

• Refrain from whistling "The Man I love" while peeing.
•  Avoid the temptation of saying:  "Nice wrist watch you got there."
•  If you must fart, don't make it a long-winded affair.
• On those rare occasions when you have to use the little boy's urinal, do not get on your knees.
• Should you sense the guy next to you is piss shy, never comment: "It's all in your head."
• Be courteous when people are standing behind you.  Shake that "thang" no more than 3 times.
• Don't hog the hot air dryer trying to dry those last drops on your pants.  Hide your little puddle with a highly regarded newspaper or a nice cashmere topcoat.