Memoirs of an unreconstructed wanker.

                           Sam liked to hump.

His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion and burst forth like a shining beacon into the night.

Reinforcements from the 2nd Panzer Korps arrived, their speedo-clad voluptuous torsos glistening with man-dew.

I've come by much of my knowledge from a long term, long winded affair known as marriage. My husband's efforts to impart his wisdom of penile superiority (for my own good) is still one of great perplexity since I can assure you, I will not ever be in a position to make much use of any of it unless I am given a penile implant of which I do not see in my near future. However, I'm not one to discard knowledge when freely given no matter how useless it appears.

                 THE CURSE OF FLATULENCE

Why does gas sometimes make a noise when it is being passed and sometimes the process is quiet but poisonous?

Cultural constrains have a major influence on noise.  In most societies audible flatus is not socially acceptable.  In general there is more noise from a larger volume of gas.  The "pitch" depends on the diameter of the anal canal.  A narrow opening produces a higher pitched squeal than a relaxed anal canal.  Sitting, especially on a toilet, tends to produce a louder explosion than when standing.  Hemorrhoids do not alter the pitch or intensity of the sound.  Most people are aware, by the time they are of school age if they are a baritone or a soprano.

Next thing you know, they'll be opening hot dog stands on the moon.