Saturday, January 12, 2013

                               THE CAVE
They lay their exhausted, only a few of them remained. Their numbers almost decimated and with little movement to indicate how many were still alive.  They had once been in the millions, now only a scant few survived the vicious attack of the deadly foam and the horrible bristled tusk that scoured, probed, and sent spiked feelers stabbing into, under and around every crevice and large mountain formation of their warm, dark cave. The survivors had begun to crawl from the few hiding places left untouched by the probing feelers, enabling them to survive the massacre.  Still stunned and reeling from the vicious surprise attack that left only a few of them barely alive, they began to crawl from their places of refuge, weak and shaken from the ambush, trying to reassemble what little life was left.  Then, a sudden and disastrous flood filled the cave without warning, the opening closed completely as the horrible, disinfectant chemical flood was trapped inside the cave, the churning and swirling tsunami creating instantaneous death.  This time, there were no survivors.

Ron glanced into the mirror and smiled, yes sir, the new Dentist sure knew his stuff.  The new foaming toothpaste and that new antibacterial mouthwash was great, but the piece de resistance was the brand new electric sonic toothbrush with it's rotating head and probing bristles that cleaned his teeth like nothing he had ever used. 
              

Friday, January 11, 2013

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird laid there in the pile of cow dung, he realized how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him…

Morals of the story:
(1) not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.
The assassination

Sunday, January 6, 2013

1) Scrub an avocado pit clean.
2) Scrape/peel off the brown skin.
3) Carve a cute face and wait ten minutes.
4) Never sleep again.

Friday, January 4, 2013

I can cut the cheese better than any farm or zoo animal in existence.  I've watched the mules, the cows, and the horses take off running when I approach them.  Even the pigs squeal and try to hide.  The goats are far less prejudice and much more tolerant than their farm equals.  Chickens don't give a shit since they can't smell though the explosive tail winds make them hop and flap a little.  Upon discussing the socially embarrassing problem with my doctor he recommended making an appointment with the clinic my cousin Shelly works for since she is an R.N. specializing in colonic tail-tunneling for  secure and extensive gas-pocket removal.  Problem is I suffer severe anal winking and grinning.  It comes off as either a round throb (a wink) or an oblong squeek (an elongated grin), it's embarrassing to have someone witness the fact I was born with a precocious little pucker patoot that hurls smoke bombs while making explosive noises with no regard for the delicate sensibilities of others let alone the assault on olfactory glands.  No, it would be better to go out of the country for this procedure with anonymity being of the utmost importance.
An enema under the influence of Ecstasy would probably feel much like this looks.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I was diagnosed awhile back as suffering 'anal retentive' disorder.  I have resumed therapy.  Post hypnotic suggestion is what my therapist thinks happened to me.  Can't imagine why she would think that.