It doesn’t say “good blowjob.” It says one he won’t forget. Maybe that’s why it’s a free book.

Old housemate got one of these full-body spandex suits once, years ago. He thought it would be funny. But it was horrible. It went all the way up his asscrack and formed an incredibly detailed contour around his genitals. He started sweating immediately and felt like being trapped in a wet balloon. He looked like a fat wet balloon and everyone could see his hog. I don’t know how humanity made it through the 1980s.

Why say “Happy Valentine’s Day” when you could say “Go in the bathroom and thread these plastic pearls through your mail slot and donut hole.”

                        Enema Simulator
This anatomical model is an “enema simulator”. Sure, nursing and medical students need to know how to do an enema. And the colon isn’t just a gross pooptube, it’s an important part of the human digestion system.

But it costs $570, which is an awful lot for a fake butt. Surely there are people who would let you do it for free, or even pay you to enemize them. If only we had some kind of global electronic network of ass freaks so we could find them.

If you asked women today what their biggest problem was, I bet the majority of them would say “My armpit is dark as hell and I hate it.” Enter Mayfair Armpit Whitening cream, two hundred dollars worth of precious pit-whitening salve, possibly guaranteed to make your dreams come true, in some cases.