Ah, Dude Wipes. The wetnappy for men too dainty to use toilet paper or paper towels, but too self-conscious to buy a box of actual baby wipes. At $10 for 30 wet-wipes, that red-faced, ear-burning shame you feel when you grab a couple of pre-moistened wipes from a box with a baby on it had better be pretty strong.

Guess what, scared guy, we were all babies once, with poop on our sac of spuds, and the baby wipes worked fine. Swab your poopy nuts with the baby wipes and move on with your life. Or do what my old housemate does after he takes a monster Dump. Go for the old garden hose in the summer, and an old scarf in the winter.

This little asshole, according to the promotional text, has been the target of bullying and cyberbullying. I wonder why.

Most sad about this kid is the fact that he’s been on talk shows promoting the no-cussing thing for so long he probably feels it’s impossible to escape. Locking himself in the bathroom crying, whispering “fuck fuck butt ass fuck dick ass” over and over with the shower running, knowing he can never say it out loud.

For the little asshole who has everything, the $399 Blast Zone Ball Kingdom is a great way to kill a square section of your lawn and keep your prince or princess away from the horror of public bounce houses.  But it might be that in the age of helicopter parenting, a smothering plastic piece of shit feels like home.

 Male chicken possess only a rudimentary phallic nub, which they use to pump their sperm into females using a ‘cloacal kiss’. The cloaca is the posterior opening which birds use for both excretion and reproduction. The rooster presses his cloaca against the female’s and squirts his sperm inside; on the other end of the penis spectrum, ducks have very long and elaborate penises, which measure about half of their body lengths.