THE FACES OF MASTURBATION: Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences manifest. Witness this lost soul, who we will call "Thomas Y", who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your local pastor for an emergency prayer session. You have done your part, the rest is between God and the self-rapist.

 Polka sheet music is one of the few things former white Midwestern zombies try to hang onto because giving up polka fests, beer, hot brats and what adrenalin is left is such a rip. Without polka music, life ain't worth livin'.

My darling my dearest, my heart beats with love at your touch when ecstasy's utmost we clutch at the core, while cheeks burn with arms open, eyes shut amid the thrump-a-thrump of my heart beating as we dry hump in the back of your Ford.