Dogs always look up to you.  Cats always look down on you.  Only a pig looks at you as his equal.

When a naked man is chasing someone through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, you can safely figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross.

The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight...I'm updating my status while I wait for the water to boil.

I pissed off a circus monkey who cursed me and turned me into a herniated old groin with ingrown hairs on my rectum and a blister.  Moral to the story?  Don't piss off circus monkeys during a banjo solo.

 I can count to ten on my fingers.  In my bare feet, I can count up to twenty. Without my pants, I can count all the way up to twenty and one-half!

The old belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the ring with surprise and horror.  I rest my case.

The recommended treatment is a hysterectomy?  It's just a little bloating under my breast bags for Gawd's sake!