The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight...I'm updating my status while I wait for the water to boil.

I pissed off a circus monkey who cursed me and turned me into a herniated old groin with ingrown hairs on my rectum and a blister.  Moral to the story?  Don't piss off circus monkeys during a banjo solo.

 I can count to ten on my fingers.  In my bare feet, I can count up to twenty. Without my pants, I can count all the way up to twenty and one-half!

The old belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the ring with surprise and horror.  I rest my case.

The recommended treatment is a hysterectomy?  It's just a little bloating under my breast bags for Gawd's sake!

 

Yes, there are times when I am an evil queen.  I am not evil enough to request forgiveness nor weak enough to need it.

Science has revealed it has been working on the possibility of the insertion of a vagina into the scrotum sac giving males the ability to give birth.  Of course the scrotum sac must be emptied of its contents at the time of transplant.  The reason for this marvelous procedure is to eliminate abortions since some men concern themselves with the unborn and will do what it takes to prevent said procedure and in preventing women who choose to have one while offering this marvelous alternative.  Men will now accept the responsibility.  It is expected there will be millions of male volunteers to step it up and devotedly become real mothers.
It's a WIN-WIN for all!

For anyone who ever thought 'speedos' were the ugliest things ever worn, I offer you proof that you are wrong.

      

       BITCH

STOLE MY LOOK!

Just don't tell Jodi Arias.

        "Is this the one who squeezed your tits?"           
                              "...yes"

Animal husbandry is a way of positively guaranteeing that both food and love will be amateur and mediocre, which means unthreatening and therefore desirable.

A grump usually escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.

"Chastity always takes its toll.  In some it produces pimples; in others worthy services". 

-Raunch Bitch

"The murals in restaurants are on par with the food museum which is on par with the fork, an instrument used chiefly for putting dead animals into the mouth".
        -Betty Burp
(Bureau of Vital statistics, Jacksonville, Florida)

"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe."                       -So Sez Me

"I have the perfect cure for a sore throat.

Cut it".
    
            -Raunch Bitch

I'm suffering an introspective portentous moment here!

"you can have all my 'it' for 'that'."

She lacks the serene confidence that she is a full blown man thus compensates by wearing false hair on her chest.

"[Grizzly bears] are schizophrenic, manic-depressive animals.  I don't want them at all here in Texas.  I intend to shoot'em on sight".

Practical hands-on advice from one who's been around, knows the score, which end is up and what's what about the business of being a Space Noogie.  Hint, the world used to be flat -and crooked so never give an earthling an even break.

            I pray thee, send me back my heart if 
         I cannot have thine.
                                   -Sir John Suckling

(It's in the mail.)

Madam Amplochacha has become the fons et origo of enlightened approaches to twists of fate.
(fons et origo means: source and origin.)

 Cheetah Balls

 Cheetos Balls

Rosalia Lombardo died of pneumonia at the age of two in Palermo, Sicily on December 6th, 1920. She is the best preserved child in the world and she was embalmed by the country’s best embalmer, Alfredo Salafia.
Urban legend has it that Rosalia opens her eyes every now and then. Most of the time, it was brushed off as just a rumor, until someone set up a camera and discovered this.